The United States holiday of Thanksgiving fast approaches. Too quickly, in my opinion. As a child, I remember the feeling of coming together, brother, sister, parents, cousins, grandma, aunts, and uncles to celebrate the year and enjoy our time together. I never had the experience of “dramatic” family dinners. Ever notice that, in gatherings, some hosts give the impression that everything is “perfect” when it’s not? Feels fake, right? I believe it’s because we’ve been conditioned to avoid conflicts. Think of classic American finishing schools for women; they taught social graces, which included what not to discuss with others - religion, sex, and politics. Now, these and other conflict matters are taboo. Conflict is a necessary part of the human experience. We require conflict to grow. Without an ability to stretch our muscles, and break them, we cannot rebuild stronger than before. In the same way, we must be as intentional with how we introduce conflict into our gatherings. What do I mean?If you want to share your music, which challenges the status quo, invite people with conflicting points of view to engage - create conflict. If you want to generate new actionable ideas, invite your team to debate the good and bad suggestions - create conflict.If you want to be able to discuss politics over dinner, invite those that will be able to entertain a conversation without getting personal - enjoy the feeling of polite discourse. Through conflict, we can find a middle ground. We see how others feel about our topic, and we can then look to discover what makes us the same. Additionally, through conflict, we allow everyone to be heard or seen. To create better art, we must learn to see and to speak. To create better art, we must learn to see and to speak. Think about your next gig, house concert, family dinner, or coffee date - how can you invite healthy conflict?

Lots of people send invitations on Facebook, Instagram, and to their networks with words like: “I’ll be playing here, come and see me.” For some, this method of attracting people to their concerts works. It works because those friends who attend already know your work. They know what to expect from you, and they like what you do. However, some members of your network may not know you; does this invitation still work? Facebook Friend Requests and LinkedIn Invites are the most common ways people blunder an invite. Today, I receive connection requests for people looking for work on a cruise ship. I’m not an agent; I recruit for a travel company. The inviter never bothered to look at how I describe myself or my work. What’s the likelihood I can help?We need to rethink how we invite people to connect. What’s our mission? Do we know the people we seek to serve well enough that we can craft a meaningful invite? Is our message relevant to them? “For those that enjoy dancing to swing music from a big band, and I know some like (insert names here), join others like you and attend my concert with Such-and-such big band here, this Friday, at 10:30 PM.““David, I see that you used to work for a cruise line. I hope that was a good move (it was). I follow your blog, and I have a question. I’m hoping to connect with you and learn a bit more.” Suddenly our invites become relevant to the people we seek to serve. What can you do to create more relevance for your audience?

It’s no secret, I’ve never been a fan of the large annual meeting. Why? I find them to be a waste of time. Why? Have you ever been to meetings that begin with announcements?

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re so looking forward to playing for you, but first, the couple would like us to let you know that the bar is open.” It seems logical, right? Start with the logistics.

Never start with the logistics!

Concerts are other worlds. In this world, an artist controls you with their music, their message, and you experience it all with others like you. Auditions are other worlds. In this world, a stranger asks you to make yourself vulnerable with the hope that your life’s work may suit their needs. Mobile phones are other worlds. In this world, bulbs light up, speakers sound, and the device shakes to capture your attention and cause an emotional reaction. A dinner party is another world. You cross the threshold of a door to someone else’s abode to enjoy the fellowship of friends or strangers. Diner en blanc is another world. You dress up in white, cook dinner, and walk to a public place carrying your table and chairs to dine, dance, and enjoy time with strangers. This world happens only once. The beauty of the “other world” is found in the freedom it offers — the freedom to be something different, if only for a moment. Try to see the other worlds that exist. There are lots of them. Enter them, explore, and then leave. Then, create your own.

When your tribe gathers, they’re only as powerful as the bonds they build and maintain; encourage connection.My greatest regret, from my last role, is that I never had an opportunity to bring together the leaders from the field. I supported a team of seven supervisors that reported to me, and they led a team of approximately forty remote supervisors. Bringing everyone on the same page with the mission, product knowledge, and team leadership styles was a challenge. The more significant challenge, in my mind, was finding ways for these forty leaders to connect more as a group. To realize that they were not alone in their struggles. That they were not only seen but that they could see the others like them. I failed to convince my leaders of the benefits of hosting a conference that inspired this group to bond and leverage each other during tough times. Imagine how much more powerful the tribe would become if they could see each other, feel comfortable being vulnerable (not necessarily deep) with one another, and knowing that one another had each other’s backs? Moving forward, I want to create that world where people see each other and allow themselves to be seen. I want to encourage more connection.

When I led a larger team, I would often ask us to meet without technology. I felt it allowed us to be more focused. I also thought it a reminder that our personal connections were more important than the aids we use. As one might imagine, some people enjoyed the idea, and others came in, kicking and screaming.

I ended up caving to the pressure brought about by some team members. They wanted their computers to help them with taking notes. Eventually, everyone brought in their computers, the rule ended.

When your tribe gathers, equalize them. If there are roles to be played, delegate the tasks, and be transparent. If when your fans attend, you’d like them all to wear a specific color, give them what they need - an equal place at the table. If you’re having a meeting, consider a circular table instead of a square/rectangular one. If there are people from different social classes in attendance, invite them to call each other by their first name, and not discuss their work.If you are a recruiter, help your candidate feel as if they are in control. If you are an artist, let your audience know that you’re part of the experience with them. If you are a leader, remind your team that you’re supporting them, not the other way around. Great things happen when we work together on the same level. No one is better than another, we’re different. When you want to bring people together in a way that inspires action, be at the same level. We are equal.

If you are bringing people together to engage with music that celebrates strangers, then encourage people to be next to strangers. Or, if they already are, encourage them to acknowledge one another. If you are holding a rehearsal for an upcoming concert, then serve the musicians who are attending by providing advanced direction, an idea of what “performance ready” looks like, a reason to care. If you are hiring talent and holding an interview, serve your interviewee by not being afraid to be vulnerable yourself, be authentic, speak to them as one human to another. See them. How about a wedding band? Serve your audience by helping them celebrate the new lives of those that were just married. Yes, there are traditional games and rituals, but go a step further. Invite people to dedicate songs, curate a song track around friendships, vulnerability, and weave stories in and out of songs that tie into the event. You are the steward of your gathering’s mission. When you serve the audience with an experience that ties into the intention of your event, they will be inspired to act; you will create art.

There’s a space that I love in Miami, Lagniappe. I love it because they have music every night, and they attract talented artists. I also love that the listening room is small. So small that it’s not uncommon to be sharing a couch with a stranger. The place is so popular that people arrive hours early to claim a decent seat! Is it the music or the venue? Both. When we bring people like us together, to experience something bigger than ourselves, and inspired to take action - connection happens. Space amplifies the “connections” between one another. A small space of twenty to thirty people gathered to listen to music feels intimate, close, and focused. By contrast, a stadium of twenty to thirty people gathered to listen to music feels disconnected, distant, empty. A stadium filled with thousands of people singing along with their favorite artist feels inspiring, energizing, and as if you’re part of something bigger. How about a small space packed with hundreds of people and nowhere to move? If you want to bring people together in a way that inspires them to act, consider the space. Consider where your tribe likes to assemble, how they like to gather, the size of the groups when they do congregate, and whether or not you’re bringing them together for a focused and intimate experience, or helping them see the bigger picture. Below, I’ve included a useful chart made available by Apartment Therapy by way of Priya Parker’s book, “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters.” Size matters.