The only failure I know is the failure to embrace failure. When I used to lead a large department, I would ask the leaders that reported to me - how did you fail today? Would you be surprised to learn that no one enjoyed answering the question? Quite often, I would hear, “Well, I don’t think I failed…” or, “I don’t like how the word ‘fail’ sits with me.” Okay, I get it. No one likes to think they failed. But, I believe it’s the use of this harsh and extreme word that motivates us to profoundly think about our actions or inactions. It can’t stop there, though. In my mind, the only time “failure” does not sit right is when I choose not to learn and change from my “failure.” Or, when I decide not to learn my lesson. Learning the lesson is growth, and growth is life. Will Smith and David Goggins have commented on this topic a bit. I believe they, and others like them, are right. What they get, that I wish more people would, is that failure is to be embraced. To embrace failure is to embrace learning is to embrace life. I am all about “coming alive” and becoming a more effective version of yourself. For the next few days, I am going to share my own failures. What I learned and how I’ve turned many negatives into positives. I hope you’ll consider following along.Also…if you know others that would find this content helpful, please be generous and share.

I believe that the best lessons are learned young.   Ever walk into an office, especially a doctor’s office, and see diplomas upon diplomas on the wall? I believe part of the reason for hanging degrees relates to pride, and the other part relates to establishing trust. “Here, you can trust me, because I’ve gone to school for what I do, and I’m a professional.” For those of us in professions where a degree may not be required, what do we have?  We have our experience.  We have a lifetime of working with other people - playing well with others.We have a lifetime of serving other people’s needs - sitting and paying attention.We have a lifetime of demonstrating self-accountability - putting away our things.We have years developing our crafts - learning about and using colors.We have a lifetime of advocating for ourselves - knowing our names.I keep my kindergarten diploma on my wall. I do it as a reminder that the most effective ways of being are the simplest ways of being — no need to overcomplicate the simple. Everything you need, you learned in Kindergarten.

My Dad, now and then, drops these beautiful nuggets of wisdom.  He dropped this idea on me the other day. I found it helpful. Maybe you will, too?

“The best impressions are when people expect them the least.” - John Brady

It doesn’t take much to leave a good impression.

• Care.
• Be Thoughtful.
• Serve Others.
• Be Authentic.
• Don’t Show Off.

Nobody expects this treatment from anyone. But, just because nobody expects it, doesn’t mean you can’t show it.

I recently performed a search for a “wedding band” in Milwaukee using thebash.com. I went through this effort because I wanted to understand how other musicians represented themselves in the market.  Were they customer-focused?Were they selling an experience?Did their efforts prove profitable?I hypothesized that bands that differentiate themselves from the others, have a clear customer focus, will have more bookings per year than others. I believe I am right. Here’s why.  The top 50% of bands all demonstrated the following:Unique musical offering - the top 20% included a mariachi band, Irish duo, Bahamanian inspired solo artist, gypsy jazz band, and a dixie group.A strong customer value proposition - the top bands made clear that the customer was the focus. The Bahamanian artist invites us on vacation with him using “Book your instant vacation now.“Of the bands in the bottom 50%, 60% of them were industry averages. What’s the industry average?Groups were describing themselves as “party” or “wedding” bands.Groups were selling the idea that they “play all things” for “all people.“On average, these groups book one gig per year. Top performers book four gigs per year on average.Groups consistently messaged that they “customize to fit your need.“I realize this is not a scientific study. These groups may book loads of gigs outside of the bash.com. However, Bash is an industry leader and requires an enrollment to be listed. If you’re going to register yourself with an industry leader, wouldn’t you want to differentiate yourself?  If you want to be like everybody else, do it. But, if you’re going to make a difference in the world, do something different.Know what your audience needs and share it. Know the Question. Be the answer.Show Up. Bands on bash.com actively use the service. Whatever you choose to use, show up.If you’re going to offer what everyone else does, offer it differently.Why be average?

A venue exists to serve.A venue serves those that want to connect with others like them and do things that others like them do.  Musicians exist to “serve” those served by the venue.  Therefore, for a musician to become a more valued business partner to the venue, they must find ways to create value.  For you to create value, you must be able to see - empathize - with the venue and their patrons. Here are some tactics you can use.  Regularly show up and meet people who patron the venue you intend to approach.Connect with patrons and learn their musical and non-musical interests.Know when the bar picks up and clears out.Learn the music people request over and over again from the jukebox.Identify the regulars.Identify new people and learn how often new people show up.If you’ve done your research well, you will know the type of people that show up, their interests, their values, their needs, when they show, who they bring with them, and how they see the world. You can easily place yourself in their shoes. Then, because you can see them, you have earned the right to be an answer.  Be an AnswerApproach the venue and offer your services.“For those that believe (insert the “values and beliefs” of the patrons), and value (insert “patron’s musical interests”), I provide a service as a (your act here).  By engaging with me, you can expect I’ll connect with your customers by performing (add the “type of music” you’ll perform), which caters to their interests.  I already know many of your regulars, and I know people like them would appreciate music like this. Would you consider a two-hour set, no cost to you, and if things go well, would you be willing to talk about a regular opportunity?“I know the above is a bit lengthy. You can shorten it and adjust it for your voice. Your goal is to demonstrate empathy with the target audience and show the venue owner that their tribe likes people like you, and therefore, you’re safe.  If it doesn’t work, don’t sweat. It means that the venue may not be for someone like you. If that’s the case, move on. Find others like you. Serve them.

My best gigs always involved engaged fans. I love it when an audience has a burning desire to hear and sing along to their favorite songs, even if it’s Mustang Sally.  The worst gigs always involve band leaders, and musicians focused more on the clock, their overtime pay, and not repeating songs - especially Mustang Sally. Almost always, the audience becomes upset and disengaged.  Your fans have problems and needs. They see you, and the experience you create, as the answer to these problems. They are not attending to satisfy your need for recognition. They show up because you give them something they crave.  They desperately crave this connection with you, and other fans, that they’ll ask for the same songs over, and over, and over again. It’s not dull, repetitive, or lacking in ingenuity for them. For them, it’s reliving an experience you had once given them. For them, you allow them to feel part of something bigger than themselves.  If that’s the case, why do we buck our audiences? Why do we call sets at the time we’re supposed to stop when our audiences want more? Why do you tell your fans, “I’m sorry, we played that song earlier, how about this song?” Are you the answer to their needs?   Empathy sets us free. The ability to see another’s problems earns us the right to be their answer.  When we can be someone else’s answer, we demonstrate care.When we show care, we help build a better world.When we make the world better, others will reward us with their respect, attention, support, and even their money.But first, you must be an answer.  So yes, repeat the song. Play the music that may not artistically fulfill you. Don’t play the gig for yourself. Serve others who came to receive from you an answer to their problems. Be their answer.  Repeating is fine.

I have been on gigs where I felt the other musicians sucked. Not only that, I would allow my feelings towards others to lower my mood. Now, with a terrible attitude, I behaved in a way that belittled those that I felt didn’t put in the work. I was a dick. I wouldn’t want to work with me. To those that would not want to work with me, I don’t blame them.The problem was not others and their performance.  The problem was within me.  There are others like me. In previous roles, I have led those types of individuals. You may be this person. Thousands of people like us, behave this way towards musicians we feel don’t put in the work. Thousands of people like us are wrong. We are wrong because we are not putting in the work to see.  You Think Only of Yourself"If I sucked, this is why I would suck if I were this person playing with someone like me.“Think about the sentence. Where’s the focus?“If I sucked, this is why I would suck if I were this person playing with someone like me.“I count four statements that focus on ourselves and not the other. Interestingly enough, when we tend to feel others are hurting us, our brains process information in this way. We do this because it’s easy for us to make judgments and decisions if we try to see the world through our lense. What if we switched the statement around?“I notice that Person A performs poorly. Let me ask them what’s on their mind, if they’re aware, and what I could do to help them.“For good measure, I might add the following sentence.    “I notice that Person A performs poorly. Let me ask them what’s on their mind, if they’re aware, and what I could do to help them.  Then, I’ll see their problems and know how to be an answer for them.“No One Is Trying to Hurt YouThe other musicians aren’t trying to ruin your day. The others are trying to do their best and contribute to the big picture. From you, as their leader/bandmaster/director, they need support and trust. They need the benefit of your doubt. They need you to see their problems and be an answer.  If you are like so many other leaders, consider using the sentence I suggested. Take a step to see a bandmate’s problem and invest the time to be an answer. Empathy helps.

But You Don’t Have to BeYou are a cog in the corporate machine. You don’t have a voice in what’s going on around you.You feel that you’re putting so much out there, but no one cares.You’re only a cog in the machine.I previously posted on giving yourself some grace, practicing self-empathy. Doing so, you can allow yourself to come alive as an individual. In the same way that you need empathy, so does your employer.The world’s increased polarization makes it nearly impossible for us to see another for who they are, as opposed to what they represent. In my youth, I admit, I would see employers and their decisions as a threat to my existence. I would see others promoted, given raises, or exclusive benefits and would think, “my boss has it out for me.” I never stopped to imagine what I could improve on, or how I could be more useful. Even if I did stop to think about how I could be more helpful, I wouldn’t have the right; I didn’t care about my employer.My existence would feel like a fight between myself and someone else. What’s worse, I felt my employer was fighting the same battle I was. What’s worse, they weren’t. A lack of “empathy,” or the ability to see another for who they are, kept me from understanding my employer’s needs and problems. A lack of “empathy” kept me from being the answer. A lack of “empathy” kept me from being able to serve others. In the end analysis, a lack of “empathy” kept me from getting the things I had seen others receive, and worse, ruined relationships. I am better now. Now, I take the time to understand “what” led to a decision.Now, I accept decisions as they are. Now, I take the time to express care for my boss and their needs.Now, I make myself available to be helpful and useful. Now, I can see their problem.Now, I have the right to be an answer. And,Now, if I sense that someone doesn’t need someone like me, I move on. You might be a cog now, but you don’t have to be.Choose to care.Choose to see.Choose to serve.

“He who begins to be your friend because it pays will also cease because it pays.” - SenecaI’m going to start writing soon on empathy and how it plays out in our relationships. Seneca’s quote felt like the best way to start, simple and singular.