Almost three years ago I wrote about calling on you, the reader, to Stop Saying “Should” to yourself. I took a re-read of it the other day, and I still believe that.Consider taking a trip down memory lane and giving it a read. People Managers: I implore you, please don’t use “should” with your direct reports. Consider offering other paths to help them find their way. Instead of saying, “You should have done _____”, you can ask, “What kept you from exploring _______? How might you incorporate ____ into your thinking next time?”

“How much longer are you going to serve under others’ orders? Assume authority for yourself and utter something that may be handed down to posterity. Produce something…” - Seneca, Letter to Lucilius XXXIIIHow much longer are you going to wait to speak up?How much longer will you allow the uncontrollable to control you and your mindset?How much longer will fear keep you from doing the thing only you can do?If it’s up to me, we won’t wait any longer. We will act now. We will take one small step to make change happen.To step towards what we can become - our most fullest and truest selves.People managers: one of the most powerful questions I asked as. direct report was, “What are you so afraid of?”

“Everything hangs on one’s thinking. A person is as unhappy as they convince themselves they are.” - Seneca, Letter to Lucilius LXXVIIIThere’s a book that Dr. Mike recommended to me, “You Can Be Happy No Matter What.” I showed the book to my sister who read the title out loud as, “You Can’t Be Happy No Matter What.”In the past, my sister has had a negative outlook on life (who hasn’t?!) and in the last year she’s worked hard to turn that around - she likely choose to look at things differently. So can you.You can choose to reframe the things that irritate you and see them for what they are - nothing. You can choose to reframe your successes and wins and see them for what they are - nothing. And,You can choose to reframe the present (what’s here and now) and see it for what it is - something.In the end, all of our wins and losses amount to nothing; it is what happens here and now that matters most. Perhaps the quote is best rewritten as: “The present hangs on my thinking. I am as (un)happy as I convince myself I am.” - You.

“Nothing is burdensome if taken lightly, and nothing need arouse our irritation so long as we don’t make it bigger than it is by getting irritated.” - Seneca, Letter to Lucilius CXXIIIHow often do we let things irritate us so much that the act of getting irritated is making the thing that’s irritating us bigger than it really is? Perhaps more often than we should. And if that’s true, make a list of all the things that truly irritated you in the last week. How many of those things could have been taken lightly? And if it doesn’t kill or harm your person, you likely can take it lightly.

You are a kid. You hear about Santa on the news, you see Santa in the mall, you are told about Santa by your friends and your parents. All of these data points combine in your head and you develop a theory that Santa is real. Assuming you celebrate secular Christmas, you likely woke up on a Christmas morning, ran downstairs, and noticed some type of gift from Santa. For sure Santa is real. So you set out to prove your theory.You set out cookies for the guy (how is he not diabetic?).You set out traps hoping he’ll get caught up in them.You are deceitful and trick your parents into thinking you’re asleep so you can bum rush the guy when he makes his entrance. You do everything possible to prove your theory true - Santa is real. What you might not realize is that we humans love to confirm our beliefs. Ever had/heard conversations like these:“See, they didn’t give me that raise, it just proves how little they value me…” Does it? . ”Oh my god, we hit traffic again, see, I told you that if you didn’t get ready 30 seconds earlier we would hit traffic.””That’s exactly what they want me to do, give in, but I’m not going to…”And in confirming our beliefs we are reinforcing theories that may or may not be true - Santa is real. So what to do?We must actively prove our theories false. I see Santa, I hear about Santa, I receive gifts from Santa, and therefore Santa is real… I will now set out to prove Santa does not exist before I accept that he does.Think about the three conversations mentioned above, here’s how we might set out to prove those Ideas false:I will set out to prove that my employer does value me before I accept the theory that they don’t.I will prove that leaving 30 seconds earlier doesn’t make any difference at all.I will validate what “they” want me to do before I give in.A genuine way to test if our theories and beliefs are real is to attempt to prove them wrong. If we do that, we work against our natural tendency to say, “see, this is exactly what I told you it was…”People managers: this is a useful tip when managing employees who believe that the company is “out to get them.” Get your team member to disprove their belief before accepting it.

When you’re asking people for a commitment, consider phrasing the ask this way, “can I count on you to_____.”If the answer is anything but yes, then you can assume the answer is no. Why is the question so powerful?Because when we believe others are counting on us, we are more likely to go out of our way to make the thing they’re asking us to do happen. If we can’t make that commitment, we’re likely to do anything else but say, “No, you can’t count on me for that.”I believe we should be better about letting people know when they can’t count on us… and I think we need to be better at accepting when people tell us that. Many of our problems are easily solved when we are truthful about communicating and accepting what can and cannot be expected from each other.Can I count on you to make that part of your life?

Each day we have an opportunity to take our shot.We communicate a decision;We interview for a job;We call a loved one;We play a song;We act.Once you’ve taken your shot, it’s up to fait to decide if you’ll hit your target. The goal is not always to hit the target.The goal is to get a little better each time.Take your shot.

It’s a force that no matter what you do or how you resist, it almost always wins. What makes jet lag so powerful is how persisting it is… always there, chipping away at your will to be awake until you finally succumb to its power. I think there’s a lesson in jet lag… You experience jet lag when your body was used to operating one way and then you’re suddenly operating in a different way - I was in the Philippines and now I’m in the USA. Jet lag has forced me to stop, take it easy, and intentionally plan my day. What if jet lag was a metaphor for rapid change? What if “jet lag” was the thing we experienced when we try to do too much too soon? Find a way to be friends with the powerful forces working against you - jet lag, fear, imposter syndrome, anxiety, anger, curiosity, and the like are all forces that when leveraged can be your strongest ally.

When you’re seated to do the thing that matters to you and the inspiration doesn’t show up and the head ache progresses across your skull and notions of why you’re wasting your time you should be doing something totally different right now enter the thoughts and your back starts to ache a bit and your legs become restless and your breathing feels laboredSTOPBreath.Listen.What do you hear?The air conditioner over the doorway.The worker packing a garbage page.A utensil hitting a plate.A yellow bucket with wheels moving across the floor. A glass door gently falling back into place - My exhale…

If you are an average human, your life span will be ~639,480 hours long. How you spend each hour matters. Why spend 10 hours doing something you hate just to please someone else? Why stress about something that may or may not happen in the future when you have the present right in front of you?Why not be generous with your time and share a few hours with people you regard as close? Why not keep a few hours for yourself to relax and be still?The clock is ticking